My heart is heavy.
I feel the hurt consuming my body.
I see you, and your so okay.
And that kills me.
I want to be okay too.
But I’m not.
Because I lost the only thing that made any sense to me.
You think I’m crazy.
And that breaks my heart, so in effort to make you realize that I’m not any of those things, I make myself look even more crazy and obsessive and ridiculous.
But then I think, well….if you think those things about me, then I guess you didn’t feel what I felt when we were together.
But then. I don’t know. Because you never were the best at telling me what was going through your head.
My thoughts are so confusing, and I don’t know how tomake sense out of them.
I was, and still am, absolutely in love with you.
Everything I was taught that love should feel like, doesn’t even compare to the feelings I have for you.
And I know that I’m the one who ruined it.
I ruined you being in my life.
And that kills me.
I just want to fix it.
I miss you.
Not holding hands,or being cute, or hugging or kissing.
I miss those things, but more than that,
Knowing that I could call you when I was sad, or text you just to thank you for being in my life,
I miss my best friend.
And I wish you could just get in my thoughts for one minute,
And you’d understand.
You would understand my regret. And my hurt.
I’d do anything.
to show you how sorry I am.
As I’m sitting here today.
Sick, lying in the bed.
With nothng to do but think.
I realize that as often as I’ve gotten angry at you for not understanding, I’ve never considered the fact that maybe you’ve tried.
We are SO different. And as hard as I try to make you understand how my unrealistic thought process works, i cant make you change the way you think.
For over a year now, you’ve been my constant hope, the one thing that I’d do anything for.
But you don’t see that.
You see everything I did wrong instead of everything I tried to do right.
You see what the whole world sees. You see what’s easy to find. Not what I really am.
I understand that what you do makes you who you are, but those things that I did were SO far from showing who i I really am.
I’m not that girl.
I’m a complex minded girl who craves nothing more than to feel your love. I crave for you to see past what everyone else sees.
I pray for you to try to see through the horrible things I did, and try to understand why.
But that’s not how you think.
And I have to get that through my head.
I’m a typical teenage girl, dreaming of that amazing love story.
And I saw that in you.
What we had when we were together, although it was hard, it was amazing.
Something that we should have been proud of.
We knew that what we had was good. And we fought for it. We went against what most people thought was the right decision, and we did what felt right.
But then, I got caught up, in what other people said. And instead of fighting on,
, we let people tears down.
We let the world get to us.
That’s my biggest regret.
If I had never let the world get to me I never would have had the opportunity to make the mistake I made this summer because we would have still been together.
And if that were the case, I’d still have you in my life right now.
I miss you. So much. And I can’t help but feel enormous guilt and regret.
My thoughts are consumed with you.
All day every single day.
I’m forced to go to school and look at you.
You look straight through me as though we never even knew each other,
Every time I see you, I’m forced to face the fact that I screwed up.
I made the biggest mistake I have ever made, and I lost the one thing I love because of it.
I’m forced to see my faults, my mistakes.
And I’m forced to act as though I’m okay.
When in reality, my heart is breaking.
More and more every day.
I literally love you so much that it hurts.
And I don’t know how to deal with it.
Everyone thinks I’m crazy.
All your friends, they think I’m some crazy pyscho ex girlfriend.
When really, I’m just girl. Who loved you more than anything in this world and I felt like I had to fight to keep your attention,
I miss you so much.
And trust me, I want to be okay.
I want to be able to say I’m okay.
But I’d be lying.
I just want you to listen to me, and try to understand.
But i know that’s a lot to ask.
Your an amazing person.
And in a weird, twisted way, you are the only thing that keeps me going.
So i thank you for that.
Today I realized that you really are gone.
You don’t want me anymore.
And it’s my fault.
It’s my fault that I lost the one thing that actually made sense to me.
The one thing that I truly love.
I laid in my bed this morning and cried. Really cried.
To the point where I was silent.
Silent crying is the worst.
I felt like I finally gave in. And that’s something I’ve been trying not to do for a really long time.
I miss you so much.
And I get more and more angry with myself for what I did every day.
You didn’t deserve it, and it hurt me just as much as it hurt you.
I wish I could make you see how much I love you.
And how sorry I truly am.
I’ll love you until the day die.
You’ll always be my motivation to push forward and to get better.
And I will FOREVER be thankful that you entered my life.
You taught me what it felt like to really be in love.
And you showed me the meaning of fighting for what you believe in.
I believe in you.
And I genuinely mean it when I say that you deserve to be happy.
You are the true definition of a strong person and I have so much respect for you.
I hope one day you can gain back your respect for me.
And I hope one day you will see that I would literally do ANYTHING for you.
I don’t care where I am, or what I’m doing, or who I may be with; if you were to call me up and tell me you needed me or you wanted to talk, I’d be there in a heartbeat.
Your all I ever wanted. And your the only thing that has ever meant as much to me as you do.
I wish you could find it in your heart to forgive me and give us another shot.
Because Itd be so different.
And I know it would work.
And it would be worth it.
But then I put myself in your shoes, I reverse the situation,and if you had done to me what I did to you…I’d probably act the same way.
I would be beyond hurt.
But if I can tell you one thing it’s that I am sorry.
It hurts me to think about it.
But I just hope one day you can see that.
I really do love you, in a way I can’t begin to understand or explain.
Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. And it doesn’t mean the hurting stops.
When you think of the person you miss, send them a little love. And send them a little light. Let them know their on your mind, but then drop it. Don’t dwell on it.
I think it’s time I finally try to move on.
I’ve tried so so hard.
And I’ve done everything I possibly knew to do.
And I’ve tried so hard to show you how much you mean to me.
But everytime I think you finally understand, it gets thrown right back in my face.
You go back to acting like I mean nothing.
But regardless…I’m always going to love you.
And I’m always going to be here for you.
But I can’t keep letting myself get hurt.
Because it literally hurts.
And it still does, because I don’t want to move on.
And I don’t really know how to.
But I don’t think I have a choice.
I hope that one day you realize how much you mean to me.
I wish I could put my feelings for you in words. I feel like when I try to explain how I feel about you I lose all my words. And I can no longer make sense of my emotions or thoughts. It literally makes me scared to think about not having you in my life, at least in some way, I never knew it was possible to be so overwhelmed with love for one person. When I first saw you, never did I EVER expect that you would hold such a huge place in my heart and in my life. I’ve done a lot of things, and made a lot of mistakes. And I know that I hurt you, and that’s what kills me. It eats at my mind every second of the day. The thought of hurting the person who means more to you than anyone else is a terrible feeling to have. I can honestly say I am so beyond in love with you. I get butterflies when I see your name. Or if someone brings you up in a casual conversation. That’s something I’ve never experienced before. I feel like I try to tell you and show you how much I love you, but I just come off as some psycho annoying girl who doesn’t know how to let go. And that’s not how I want to come off. I just want to be able to make you understand thow in love I am, but I don’t think it’s possible, and I think the fact that it’s impossible for me to explain my feelings, expresses them better than anything. When something is unexplainable, I know it’s real. It’s something you can’t control. I know that your younger than me, and you want to experience life and have fun, and as much as I’d love for you to say you feel the same and are as in love with me as I am with you, I can’t expect that. I hope that one day I can have my best friend back, and maybe eventually my boyfriend too, but more than anything I just hope that you can understand that when I say I’d do anything for you, and that I love you. I really mean it. With every ounce of my soul.